The feeling that occurs after you have learned the news
Usually birth - is a happy event. We have almost every pregnancy is desired, carefully planned and strictly observed by doctors. After so many months of joyful expectation, finally, in the light of a new member of the family there, and we are all very happy.
But sometimes happiness is incomplete, asthe child does not meet our expectations. We need to know that 3% of all live births have serious malformations, determined visually during childbirth. In any family, in any country can be born a child with malformations or mental retardation. This so-called biological risk accompanies every childbirth, the risk of which the couple expecting a child, as a rule, are often unaware.
In some cases, mental retardation is notIt established for many years, and only then, when the child starts school, he found certain shortcomings. In other cases, it appears much heavier and already during birth of the child are particularly marked, pointing to his mental disability, such as Down's syndrome, when there are congenital malformations that can be easily identified with the disease.
In those and other cases, mental retardationchild - it is always an ordeal for the parents. However, it is best as soon as possible to come to terms with the reality that as early as possible to be able to provide the necessary support for the child.
"When I was told what it seemed to me that everything had changed, that the return to the former is no longer, and that I never will be happy.
I felt the pain of some irretrievable loss. Now I see it as the pain of losing a child, I was waiting for. "
Feelings of parents
Normally, pregnancy is lived with spousespositive emotions. These months are used to strengthen relations between them, to establish common objectives. During this period, we plan for the future, which included their daughter or son that is about to come into the family, and the couple even start to build illusions about that, what opportunities and abilities will have their baby. Naturally, at the same time they want to believe in a "beautiful fairy tale." But a son or daughter, the beautiful and perfect in every way, does not exist.
Which is better, to have a child with disabilities or without - this subject you will have to discuss much earlier than other parents.
Sooner or later, when you are already aware of thethat your child has mental retardation, is experiencing a real crisis: you find it hard to accept the fact that the doctor said, you are afraid, and swept away, all your plans suddenly collapsed, common goals become unachievable. No future, there is something black, non-existent. A wonderful dream of parenthood has become a nightmare. Hopelessness makes the situation tragic. In addition, you want to know the truth and yet can not accept it, and it is that mental retardation is incurable. Immediately there are other ambiguities.
First you cover the doubt: Is it true? Do doctors make a mistake?
Then you try to find the cause: Why did this happen? Why us? What have we done wrong? Is there any possibility of treatment?
And then think about the future: What will happen to our child? In what care he will need? Will he take care of himself?
These questions are, in many cases it is impossible to answer right away. In addition, you begin to experience negative feelings to yourself, your spouse and your child.
These initial feelings are natural.
Very often parents fall into extremedespair. You can feel a sense of shame, thinking that they were being punished for something, you start to feel sorry for yourself, or to doubt themselves. Some parents are even inclined to think that it is not their child and often want his death. Equally, you may experience feelings of grief and the desire to blame yourself or your spouse (wife) that happened to the child, thus increasing the difficulties in your relationship just at the time when love and mutual support are the most important.
These feelings of guilt are groundless: in most cases, it causes mental retardation are unknown or are physiological, so it can not be controlled. Neither the father nor the mother is in no way to blame.
As a rule, each person experiences hiscrises in their own way. And not always the mother and father of a disabled child experience the same feelings at the same time. It should be borne in mind that every father and every mother experiences a crisis depending on her life rhythm and in accordance with her individual characteristics. However, it is very important that at this time you communicate with each other and share your experiences with those people who are nearby and can help you. Well, if you talk about the problems of your child with the rest of the family. You should not doubt whether or not to resort to the help of specialists or simply to the moral support of others, which you so need. It is also important that you can openly express your feelings. Participation in a group called “New Parents”, which facilitates contact between families in the same position, allows you to share your feelings and find unexpected ways to solve the problem for this initial period.
Typically, as you adapt to thea new situation, you experience several different phases: sometimes you want to be alone, sometimes you want to share your feelings with anyone, especially with a loved one or even with strangers around you. Thus, without realizing it, and sharing with others your feelings, you will soon discover that your child - it is, above all your child, then you will notice that it will bring you pleasure and joy, and that all the anxiety that filled you with his birth, is now dispersed, or at least not as serious as you thought.
"At that moment, when it seemed that everything had collapsed,anything does not make sense and grief put you in a situation from which there is no escape, it is a mountain, gradually passed into the joy of opening a permanent positive qualities of our child "
If you have more children, it must be borne in mind,that they may be envy and jealousy in relation to the newborn child, especially when the parents, forgetting or simply not knowing about it, paying attention only to him.
It is important to recognize and care for the feelings of brothersand sisters of a child with mental retardation. Try to create an atmosphere in the family, in which children will be free in the manifestation of their feelings, both positive and negative. This is the best way to adopt a new child family. If children will be free to express their feelings in the family, for example, to express doubt, worry in relation to the brother or sister with the problems and to express negative thoughts, their emotions will be easier to send in the right direction by trusting and meaningful conversation.
Brothers of a child with mental retardation is alsoThey have the right to a happy childhood. Sometimes, with the advent of the child in the family, parents impose on the rest of the children excessive responsibility to care for him. Meanwhile, his brothers and sisters, too, are entitled to free time on the game. They do not have to turn into nurses for this kid and constantly monitor his every action. At first, you do not need to demand from them beyond what you might require assistance for child care without problems in the development.
As a rule, if the other children feel selfattention and love from their parents, feel that the family they have a safe area, they will experience positive emotions, will, and will help your new little brother or sister. Well, when the relationship of other children with the child - invalid arise spontaneously through play and mutual acceptance, and not under duress parents. The ratio of parent to the new child strongly influences the attitude of other children. Over time, when you and your children will be solved problems on an emotional level, then the family will improve everyday life. And then you should calmly think about how to be able to reach an understanding of society.
The public reaction
Pressure from society is very large,therefore one of the first steps we will need to take - is to build relationships with other people. Some of them will come to you, they say easily, and interested in your little boy or little daughter. Others will be able to come at once, because they do not know how they need to take this still unfamiliar situation. We need to bear in mind the negative attitudes of others such that can cause us trouble and heartache, so it is very important that we were able to prepare for overcoming such situations, and they could not bring us harm.
Basically, we need to know what's onhow much more we are naturally become treat people, so much better and they will treat us. If we are asked what the problem is our children, the better answer frankly and directly, that child mental retardation. Some will understand and will offer its assistance. Others may refuse to do it, just because a child with a disability. For many there is a biased opinion - the reason unjustified fear of the unknown.
"I must admit that the people with whom weI had a chance to live side by side, whether it be family, neighbors or just the inhabitants of our block - Anderu always treated very kindly. And if somebody once that happened, of course, rarely - exhibited improper attitude, I felt pain, but not for himself, as before, or for son, and for the person who did that and who did not have the tact to behave differently "
Father of five children with mental retardationand concomitant severe physical disabilities have chosen for themselves following very right position: "Of course, looking at him when we make it to the street. All are experiencing curiosity, when they see something never seen before. I myself have never seen such a child, until he have not appeared, and probably I would also turned to look at him. There is nothing wrong with that, but only a natural interest "
And finally, do not forget that all newborns,regardless of whether they have a disability or not it requires care and attention. You have to take your child for what he is: love him, help him, play with him, dress him, feed, wash, etc., because it has the same needs as any other child.
How to face the new situation
If mental retardation your child hasnot installed, but you somehow guess about it, have the courage to dispel all doubts. Many parents months or even years watching your child, knowing that he does not develop quite as it should - and, nevertheless, do not dare to face the harsh reality.
You should, as soon as possible, consulta credible expert, that he informed you adequately the problem of your child. This information will serve as a basis for the fact that you can take steps to help the child develop more harmoniously.
I appeal to you, the parents, who sincebirth of a child is already aware of his mental retardation, and that may have not yet emerged from the initial shock. I urge you to be realistic. This child, like any other, needs your care. Your child needs to eat, to sleep, to be clean. He also needs love and affection, as any other newborn. You will be surprised how you ever noticed that your baby is fine. At the same time disappear initial anxiety, doubts and fears that you have experienced when they learned about your child's concerns.
"You give me love and his extraordinarysensitivity to feel you do not need words. Just one gesture, affection, look, or one phrase, which only I can understand - to make our communication more intimate ... Tenderness, which grew in me because of you, I would never have experienced if not for you. Without you I would not have known that such an understanding and tolerance of the people. All these qualities simply could not come at me if it were not for you, my little "
To help you learn how to treata child with special needs, I will try to answer a few questions that you are having. I am sure that they are incomparably more and that they were all worried about you as well as those that we are going to disassemble the following:
What's wrong with our child
In some cases, there is an early diagnosis,final and complete, that sometimes can reassure parents. Down syndrome is set in newborns is very fast and is in violation of chromosomes. It is characterized by a number of external signs, and mental retardation. It affects 1 in 600 newborns and can happen in any family.
The diagnosis of this disease early. Experienced specialist reveals suspicion of Down syndrome by their appearance and sets an unmistakable diagnosis based on the study of chromosomes in the newborn blood. Thus, as already mentioned, the error in the diagnosis is completely eliminated, if a study of chromosomes by a test consisting in the fact, to make cells grow, and then after a special treatment to consider are in their chromosomes under a microscope.
Although the main cause of Down syndrome is stillunknown, in all cases of the disease the child has one extra chromosome. Chromosomes - a tiny cell formation, which contain all the genetic information (genes). Every cell in the human body has a full normal set of chromosomes, ie 46 chromosomes or 23 pairs of them. In each of these pairs there is one chromosome of maternal ovum and sperm from the father another. Here and compiled the total number - 46 chromosomes.
In children with Down syndrome have an extra one21 chromosome pairs, because of which the total number of chromosomes have extra chromosome 47. This pair 21 just causes Down's syndrome. While no one can say with certainty what the child is always extra chromosome interferes with the normal development of the brain. Therefore, children with Down syndrome are always mental retardation occurs.
The presence of an extra chromosome in the 21st pairnegative impact on the development of the embryo, causing the child later mental retardation and specific physical features (small ears, narrow eyes, which the pupils are constantly directed upward, short arms, a small torso and head, the child is less active than other children, etc.)
In most other cases, the diagnosis is established after months, or even years. This requires numerous medical examinations with a large number of tests and additional analyzes.
"In any case, even if the doctor will reportdiagnosis in a very soft and tactful manner, even if the service of early stimulation will work as it should, and even if we, the parents, who have already experienced everything first hand, will help new parents for the first time find themselves in such a situation - a collision with reality always cruel, always hurts "
It is impossible to believe that with the help of the diagnosis can be at this time to determine when the child is able to walk, talk or do anything on their own.
Why our child mental retardation
The cause, or etiology of mental retardation insome cases, as in Down syndrome, can be explained. Although the extra chromosome can occur both on the father's sperm and the egg from the mother, the probability of its occurrence is high, if the woman decides to give birth over the age of 35 years. In other words, a woman younger than 35 years old is less likely to give birth to a child with Down syndrome than women older than a specified age. But even in younger women there is little risk. Since a large percentage of the newborn occurs in mothers younger than 35 years, there is nothing strange in the fact that many children with Down syndrome are born precisely in young mothers. You also need to make clear that the probability of the birth of a sick child is not related to the amount of the mother's pregnancy.
In many other cases, the cause of mentalretardation remains unknown to modern science, but doctors will always help you in solving medical problems your child is not related to the reason of his disability.
What we have done wrong
This is one of the first questions that arise inparents, once they learn about the problems of their child. Many parents think they have done something that "caused" Down's syndrome in their child. It is not true. Down syndrome occurs in the early stages of embryonic development, already at conception, when the embryo receives one extra chromosome.
Some parents ask whetherSTDs cause problems for their children. The answer is no, because the sexually transmitted diseases do not promote the transfer of the embryo extra chromosome. Many parents are worried about the idea that Down syndrome occurs due to the fact that during pregnancy there was something that can provoke it (for example, the child's mother was afraid, taking drugs or drinking alcohol). The answer is the same: no. Everything that happens after the moment of conception and during pregnancy can provoke Down syndrome. In general, none of the things that made the parents, does not cause chromosomal abnormalities in the baby.