«We all are not eternal», - Such a philosophical phrase is usually trying to console people experiencing loss of loved ones. Such words neither mind nor heart. They are not easier. And here is the question: «How to live next?» - for them far from idle.
Content
In the morning in vice there is enough longing and depression, in the afternoon the memories, in the evening of the premonition of pain in the heart and tears... Who survived, he understands. Who has not collided yet that «Bowl of this does not pass»... After all, parents leave the life, other close relatives, friends with whom they divided the mountain and the joy, with whom all her life side by side... Someone bury their children...
Complete with loss? But how to do that? Leeping time?! And how long to wait for healing? These questions today we address the candidate of medical sciences, assistant Department of Psychiatry and Narcology of the Belarusian Medical Academy of Postgraduate Education Evgeny Valerievich Lasoma.
- Immediately after the news of the death of a native person, many are tested and shock, they simply cannot believe in the comprehensive misfortune: «This plane could not break, you confused - this is not the flight that my husband flew»...
The death of loved ones is always big grief. But, without having survived this condition, it is impossible to take the fact of loss. Feelings of people in such situations are about the same, but for each they are painted by those tones that are characteristic of the person. It can be longing, emptying, sense of meaningless existence, feeling of guilt, anger, and in some cases - shame (ashamed be ashamed «Care» relative, for example, suicide).
And yet it is more often a feeling of guilt: «Why not removing, did not convince what operation was needed? Why I was not at home at the moment when he (she) committed with him? Why didn't do something for her what she asked? Considered all whims and prizes...?». Variations on this topic set.
Obviously, the relationship of people is always dual. Those who we love sometimes undeservedly offend. And swear with them and murmily. In the hearts we can say something very unpleasant, offensive and evil, and then, remembering it, to blame themselves that these words and entailed the misfortune. All this is usually far from the truth, but when experienced burning there is no critical attitude towards a real estimate of the past.
- Not uncommon when after the death of close people experience aggression to others. For example, a woman who lost his son may be such a reaction: «Why my child died, he is so good, smart, kind, and this freak that was driving, stayed alive?».
Often with aggression on the part of relatives of the deceased facing doctors resuscitation, cardiologists. Not surprisingly because they are more often risking «lose» of their patients.
Expressing aggression, people unconsciously transform their feeling of guilt on another person. The accusation of others is a convulsive attempt to change something. Of course, vain...
Hurrying the mountain, a person can fall into deep depression. The feeling of loss and grief may be so great that some are simply unable to somehow critically relate to their state. Especially hard for those who survived the suicide of a loved one. After all, on the topic of suicide in society there is a certain taboo. That someone in the family committed suicide with him, prefer to silence, not discuss. At the same time, relatives feel a strong guilt, which is often not even aware of.
«Came trouble - Call the gate!»
Everyone knows this proverb, but not everyone understands its true meaning. An ordinary interpretation, they say, one misfortune happened, wait for subsequent misfortunes, get ready for other trials... Actually, «Collect the gate» - So let go of my pain, give her a way out, do not hold in yourself. Open the heart to people - cry, shouts - the main thing is not to suppress despair and pain that can lead to severe illness and even death.
- Someone, experiencing traumatic experiences, as if he puts on the eyes of psychological shores: It begins to lead a slitual life (which before it was unusual for him) - permanent couments and drunk feasts with companies from random acquaintances, unrestrained incendible fun, spending money in restaurants, night Clubs, casino. All this is done completely unconsciously. And only in order to not leave with your head in painful memories.
Of course, a person needs to be in humans, but... Communication should be confidential, emotional. All of those listed above are surrogate, escape from himself, from their emotions and grief. From God You can not protect yourself, if it is artificially try to forget everything. After all «non-worked out» Mountain can manifest itself with severe depressions and, as a result, health problems.
I will give an example from my practice. My patient lived with her husband about 40 years. People lived, what is called the soul in the soul, in the family they grew up two beautiful sons, in the house world, love and prosperity. The woman was a housewife - raised children, cared for family comfort. Years walked, the husband is seriously ill. And after it «Care» Widow began problems typical for such a situation: she began to transfer the symptoms of the deceased disease. My husband had a gastric cancer, and she began to feel constant pain in the epigastria. Repeatedly examined, but doctors did not find serious pathology. In fact, her condition - disguised depression, which made himself felt in this way.
All because the loss of her husband was not worked out aloud. She is with anyone - even with children - did not share his feelings. And the word did not mention my sorrow and longing. In the family did not encourage the statement of negative emotions. Sadness, repression always perceived as a manifestation of weakness. Rising two sons, his father was strict, and always said: «You are a man must endure». So their mother also did not show their emotions after the death of the spouse. In this situation, one conversation was enough, and the patient saw the connection between the death of her husband and the state of his health, which before simply did not realize.
- How to behave around with a person who is worried about the death of loved ones?
- It is necessary to always be nearby and encourage the manifestation of emotions in those who are experiencing such trouble. A person must speak, to pay someone. It is very important to feel care from friends, loved ones. Experiencing grief, should not be afraid to send her sense of guilt and their aggression.
If the family happens in misfortune, then there must be contact between relatives. Unacceptable so that everyone closes in his grief. Even saying each other any reproaches and accusations - already plus. This is at least some interaction, even if not quite productive, but it protects people from emptiness inside itself, depression and fear.
- How long does the loss experience last?
- The norm is determined by the status duration and how it manifests itself. Seven or ten days a person is experiencing shock and talk, but if it is delayed for a month or two - alarming signal.
In general, the reaction of grief continues from 6 to 12 months. Within the framework of our cultural tradition, it is believed that Mourning for the deceased lasts a year - this period coincides with the psychological soothing of man.
However, feelings may be hypertrophy - painfully exaggerated. Then the person is experiencing an excessive sense of guilt, which leads to the appointment - acknowledged, care from social contacts, even to an attempt to end.
Someone refuses food, begins to lose weight, ceases to follow himself, «goes away» In obsessive memories associated with the dead. Then nothing is interesting and nothing can delight. This is a deep depression and there is a hospitalization, drug treatment and mandatory assistance of a psychotherapist.
Another pathological condition is an excessive aggression, persistent persecution of the person who considers to be mounted in the death of loved ones: endless complaints in instances with a request to make a criminal case, investigate the death case when innocence is obvious «Suspected».
- ...Survive the death of a child if he is the only one... How to be parents?
- The main vital value of man, of course, his children, so when they are loss, even a specialist is not always able to provide effective help. Very often those who have lost her son or daughter fall into a state of complete hopelessness. Parents have a very strong sense of guilt. Here the main help and loved ones, and psychotherapist - to lingers very patiently and very gently provoke the manifestations of all sorts of emotions.
Type consolations «There will be another child», Do not work here. Parents need to take and show all their emotions. Often they are even unconsciously afraid of this, as they believe that some of their feelings, such as guilt or aggression, are prohibited. But in such a situation they are inherent in all. The main thing is to take the mountain, to realize the loss, then it becomes easier.
- How often are people who are experiencing a heavy loss, are solved on the extreme step - to get away from life?
- Within 6-12 months after the death of her husband or wife, suicide, widows and widowers happen 2 times more often than among people who did not survive the death of a loved one. Men more often raise scores with life, they are more often starting to drink, acquire psychosomatic diseases - peptic disease, hypertension.
- What to do to not bring yourself to the last feature?
- Most people are harvested on their own, and they do not need some specialized help.
It is necessary to know that the feeling of guilt for the death of a beloved and expensive person is universally and characteristic of all people in a similar situation, without him it is impossible to survive the grief. But completely dive into this feeling is not worth. For example, if a man got behind the wheel drunk and as a result of the car accidents killed him close, then his grief response would be the hardest - here the wines are obvious and therefore it will not be superfluous to work with a psychotherapist. It happens that a person lives with a severe feeling of guilt for many years, and without reworing them, and then commit suicide. With this feeling you need to understand: what is the real fault, and what attributed to itself over measures.
- Really only from this becomes easier?
- A person must determine the degree of his true guilt to get rid of uncertainty.
You can help yourself with awareness that all your emotions need to be revealed, otherwise they will stay inside and start to eat. It is very important to comprehend that the loss will still have to survive. Need to remain alone - go to people, communicate. If you feel a heavy oppressive state, and I want to cry and talk to someone, it is necessary to do, choosing a suitable interlocutor.
