Usually the birth of a child is a happy event. After so many months of joyful expectation, finally, a new family member appears on the world, and we are all very happy.But sometimes happiness is incomplete, since the child does not match our expectations.
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Feeling arising after you learned this news
Usually the birth of a child is a happy event. We have almost every pregnancy is desirable, carefully planned and strictly observed by doctors. After so many months of joyful expectation, finally, a new family member appears on the world, and we are all very happy.
But sometimes happiness is incomplete, since the child does not match our expectations. We need to know that 3% of all living newborn have severe developmental defects, determined visually during childbirth. In any family, a child with deformities or mental retardation may appear in any country. This so-called biological risk accompanies every childcare, the risk that spouses awaiting a child is usually often suspected.
In some cases, mental retardation is not installed for many years, and only when the child begins to go to school, it detects certain flaws. In other cases, it is manifested much harder, and already during childbirth, the child is noted features that indicate its mental disabilities, such as under the Down syndrome, when congenital malformations arise, which are easily identified with this disease.
In certain cases, the mental retardation of the child is always a heavy test for parents. However, it is best to reconcile as soon as possible with reality, to also be able to provide the child as soon as possible to provide the child.
«When I was told what he was, it seemed to me that everything turned over that it would not be for the previous return and that I would never become happy again.
I felt pain from some kind of irrepressible loss. Now I understand her as a pain from the loss of a child I waited».
Feelings of parents
Typically, pregnancy time lives with spouses with positive emotions. These months are served to strengthen relations between them, to establish common goals. In this period, plans for the future are being developed in which their daughter or son is included, which is about to enter the family, and the spouses are even beginning to build illusions about what their child will possess what opportunities and abilities. Naturally, at the same time they want to believe in «Beautiful fairy tale» . But son or daughter, beautiful and perfect in all respects, does not exist.
What is better to have a child with a disability or without it, - this topic will have to discuss much earlier than other parents.
Sooner or later, when you are already informed that your child has mental retardation, you are experiencing a real crisis: you are difficult to agree with what the doctor says, you are scared and smith, suddenly all your plans collapsed, the common goals have become unattainable. There is no future, there is something black, non-existent. Wonderful dream of fatherhood and motherhood turned into a nightmare nightmare. Hopelessness makes the situation of tragic. In addition, you want to know the truth and at the same time you can not accept it, and it is such that the mental retardation is incurable. Other unclear questions appear immediately.
First of all, you are covered by doubts: is it true? Does the doctors not mistaken?
Then you try to find a reason: why it happened? Why with us? What we did bad? Is there any possibility of treatment?
And later think about the future: what will happen to our child? In what care he will need? Can serve himself?
These questions are in many cases it is impossible to answer immediately. In addition, you start testing negative feelings to yourself, to your spouse or spouse and to your child.
These initial feelings are natural.
Very often, parents fall into the extreme degree of despair. You can feel a feeling of shame, think that they were punished for something, begin to regret ourselves or doubt themselves. Some parents are even prone to thought that this is not their child, and often want his death. Equally, you can experience the feelings of grief and the desire to blame yourself or your spouse (a spouse) in what happened to the child, thus increasing the difficulties in your relationship just at a time when love and mutual support are most important.
These feelings of guilt are groundless: in most cases mental retardation of the cause of it are unknown or are physiological, so it can not be monitored. Nor father nor nothing to blame.
The crisis
As a rule, each person experiences his crises in its own way. And not always the mother and father of a disabled child are experiencing the same feelings at the same time. It should be borne in mind that every father and every mother is experiencing a crisis depending on their life rhythm and in accordance with their individual characteristics. However, it is very important that at this time you communicate with each other and shared our experiences with those people who are near and can help you. Well, if you talk about the problems of your child with the rest of the family members. You should not doubt whether or not to resort to the help of specialists or simply to the moral support of the surrounding, in which you need so much. It is very important that you can open our feelings. Participation in the group called «New parents», which facilitates contact between families in the same position, allows you to share your experiences and find unexpected ways to solve the problem on this initial period.
As a rule, as you adapt to a new situation, you are experiencing several different stages: sometimes you want to be alone, sometimes you want to share your feelings with someone, especially with your loved one or even with unnewned people surrounding you. Thus, without conscious and sharing with other people with their feelings, you will soon find that your child is, first of all your child, and then you will notice that he will deliver pleasure and joy and that all the alarms that were overwhelmed you with his birth, now scattered or at least not so serious as it seemed.
«At that moment, when it seemed that everything was collapsed, nothing does not make sense and grief put you in a situation, from which there is no way out, it is grief, gradually moved to the joy of permanent opening of the positive qualities of our child»
Feelings of the brothers
If you still have children, then you need to keep in mind that they can show envy and jealousy towards a newborn child, especially when parents, forgetting or simply not knowing about it, pay all attention only to him.
It is important to recognize and take care of the feelings of the brothers and sisters of the child with mental retardation. Try to create such an atmosphere in the family at which children will be free in the manifestation of their feelings, both positive and negative. This is the best way to make a new child family. If children become free to show their feelings in the family, for example, to express doubts, anxiety towards a brother or sister with problems and express negative thoughts, their emotions will be easier to send to the right direction by trust and meaningful conversation.
The brothers of the child with mental retardation also have the right to happy childhood. Sometimes with the advent of such a child in the family, parents lay on the rest of the children excessive responsibility for the care of it. Meanwhile, his brothers and sisters are also eligible for free time, on the game. They should not turn into nannies for this kid and constantly monitor his effect. At first, you do not need to demand from them above that you could demand in care for child care without problems in development.
As a rule, if other children feel the attention and love from parents, they feel that in the family they have a reliable corner, they will experience positive emotions, will take place and will be helped to help their new brother or sister. Well, when the relationship between other children with a child - a disabled person arise spontaneously through the game and mutual adoption, and not by the coercion of parents. The ratio of parents to a new child greatly affects the attitude towards him of other children. Over time when you and your children will have solved problems at the emotional level, the family will improve in the family. And then you must calmly think about how to achieve an understanding of society.
Company reaction
Society's pressure is very large, so one of the first steps that we will have to take is to establish relationships with the surrounding people. Some of them are suitable for you, what is called easily, and will be interested in your son or daughter. Others will not be able to approach, because they do not know how they need to take this unfamiliar situation. We need to keep in mind the negative attitude from the outside of the surrounding such, which can cause us trouble and mental pain, so it is very important that we can prepare in advance to overcome these situations and they could not bring us harm.
Basically, we need to know that how much more naturally we will treat people themselves, so better and they will react to us. If we are asked, what problems are our child, it is better to answer frankly and straight that the child has mental retardation. Some will understand and offer their help. Others may refuse to do it simply because a disabled child. Many have a biased opinion - the reason for unjustified fear of unknown.
«Must admit that the people with whom we had to live side by side, whether family, neighbors or just the inhabitants of our quarter, were always treated to Ander very good. And if someone once, that happened, of course, rarely - she showed an inadequate attitude, I became hurt, but not for myself, as before, or for my son, and for the man who did it and did not have enough clock to To behave differently»
The father of a five-year-old child with mental retardation and accompanying severe physical disabilities chose the following very correct position for himself: «Of course, what looks at him when we endure it outside. Everyone is experiencing curiosity when they see what they have not seen before. I never once saw such a child while he did not appear, and probably, I would also turn to look at him. There is nothing wrong with that, but only natural interest»
And finally, do not forget that all newborns, regardless of whether they have disability or not, require care and attention. You must take your child as it is: To love him, help him, play with him, wear it, feed, wash and t.D., Because he has the same needs that any other child has.
How to meet face to face with a new situation
If your child's mental retardation has not yet been installed, but you somehow guess this, have the courage to dispel all doubts. Many parents are watching their children for months and even for years, suspecting that it develops not entirely as necessary - and, nevertheless, they are not solved to face harsh reality.
You must, as early as possible, consult with the confidence in the confidence in a specialist so that he informs you adequately the problem of your child. This information will be the basis for you to take certain steps to help the child develop more harmoniously.
I appeal to you, parents who, from the moment of the advent of the child, already know about his mental backwardness and which may not have come out of the state of primary shock. I urge you to be realistic. This child, like any other, needs your care. Your child needs to eat, sleep, be clean. He also needs love and caress, as well as every other newborn. You will be surprised how you have not yet noticed that your baby is beautiful. At the same time, initial alarms, doubts and fears that you experienced when they learned about the problems of your child.
«You give me love and your extraordinary sensitivity to feel the words do not need. Just one gesture, caress, look or one phrase, which only I can understand - to make our chatting more close…Tenderness that increased in me thanks to you, I would never have experienced, don't be you. Without you, I would not know what understanding and tolerance for people. All these qualities simply could not have to appear if it were not for you, my little»
To help your learning, as it should be treated with a child with special needs, I will try to answer a few questions that you have. I am sure that they are incomparably more and that they all disturb you the same way as those that we will disassemble below:
What with our child
In some cases, the diagnosis is the early, final and complete, which can sometimes calm parents. Down syndrome is installed in newborns very quickly and is in violation of chromosomes. It characterizes a number of external signs and mental retardation. It strikes 1 out of 600 newborns and can happen in any family.
Diagnosis of this disease early. An experienced specialist reveals suspicion of Down syndrome on external signs and establishes an error-free diagnosis based on the study of chromosomes in the blood of a newborn. Thus, as already mentioned, the error in the diagnosis is excluded completely if a study of chromosome was conducted using a test in making cells to grow, and then after special processing, consider chromosome under the microscope in them.
Although the main reason of Down syndrome is still unknown, in all cases of this disease in the child there is one extra chromosome. Chromosome are tiny cellular education, which contain all hereditary information (genes). Each cell of the human body has a full normal set of chromosomes, that is, 46 chromosomes or 23 of their pairs. In each of these pairs, one chromosome comes from the mother's eggs, and the other from the sperm of the father. This is how the total amount is 46 chromosomes.
Children with Down syndrome there is one extra chromosome in 21 pairs, which is why the total number of chromosomes they have 47. This extra chromosome 21 couples just causes Down Syndrome. Although no one can say with confidence, how will the child be, the extra chromosome always violates the normal development of the brain. Therefore, kids with Down syndrome always appear mental retardation.
The presence of extra chromosome in 21 pairs adversely affects the development of the embryo, causing the child's mental retardation and characteristic physical characteristics (small ears, narrow eyes, whose pupils are constantly directed up, short hands, small torso and head, the child is less active than other children and T.D.)
In most other cases, the diagnosis is set after months, and even years. This requires numerous medical examinations with lots of tests and additional analyzes.
«In any case, even if the doctor informs the diagnosis in a very soft and tactful form, even if the earlier stimulation service becomes working, as follows, and even if we, parents who have already experienced everything on their own experience, will help new parents who first turned out In such a situation, - a collision with reality is always cruel, always hurts»
It is impossible to assume that with the help of the diagnosis it will be possible to determine when the child can walk, talk or do something alone.
Why do our child have mental retardation
The cause, or etiology, mental backwardness in some cases, as in Down syndrome, can be explained. Although the extra chromosome can occur, both from the sperm of the father and from the mother's egg cell, the probability of its appearance is high, if a woman is solved to give birth over the age of 35 years. In other words, a woman under 35 years old has less chances to give birth to a child with Down syndrome than a woman older than the specified age. But even young women have a small risk. Since the big percentage of newborns happens with mothers under 35 years old, then there is nothing strange that many children with Down syndrome appears on the light of young mothers. It is also necessary to clarify that the probability of the birth of a sick child is not related to the number of mother's pregnancies.
In many other cases, the reason for mental retardation remains unknown for modern science, but doctors will always help you in solving the medical problems of your baby who are not related to the cause of his disability.
What's bad we did
This is one of the first questions that arise from parents as soon as they learn about the problems of their child. Many parents think they did something that «caused» Daun syndrome have their child. It is not true. Down syndrome appears in the early stages of the development of the embryo, already when conception, when the embryo receives one extra chromosome.
Some parents ask whether the venereal diseases can cause problems with their child. The answer is one: no, because venereal diseases do not contribute to the germ of the embryo of the chromosome. Many parents are concerned about the thought that Down Syndrome arises due to the fact that in the period of pregnancy there was something capable of provoking it (for example, the mother of the child experienced fear, took drugs or saw alcoholic beverages). The answer is the same: no. All that happens after the moment of conception and during pregnancy, can not provoke Down syndrome. In general, nothing of what parents committed is not the cause of a chromosomal violation in a child.
