In the doctor's office, the spouses were not decided to start the conversation - very thin and delicate were their problem. Finally, Igor took the word: «Doctor, I love each other with Vika, got married in mutual agreement, live together for a year, but still we cannot... inform».
The beginning of family life is often associated with certain difficulties. Some quickly find mutual understanding, others from the very first steps of marriage face contradictions, and even with insurmountable difficulties. That is what happened with Igor and Vika. The young husband was gentle and attentive, but all his attempts to get closer to his wife ended. The reason was an insurmountable fear of sex intimacy that the girl experienced.
Such situations in the first days of marriage are not so rarely. At this time, the mutual psychological and sexual adaptation of spouses occurs, the individual rhythm of sexual life is produced, the criteria of intimate relations are built, "says the head of psychotherapy and medical psychology, the head of the border states of the Kiev Psychoneurological Hospital No. 1 Leonid Yunda.
At this time, the cause of sex coldness in women can be fear, excitement, rude partner behavior. But with a sufficient clock and sensitivity of both spouses, these problems are usually overcome by themselves, without the help of specialists. However, Igor and Victoria lasted a situation for almost a year! Physical deviations from newlyweds did not find. It means that psychogenic factors were the cause of sexual disharmony. Talking with Vika, we found out that there was one unpleasant episode in her life, about which she tried to forget with all their might...
It all started very trite. Shortly before the prom of Vika, together with a friend, classmates decided to go to the disco in the parents. The girls drank a couple of cocktails, relaxed, and here two unfamiliar guys hooked up to their table. The conversation began, young people treated yesterday's schoolgirls ice cream, invited to dance. After the end of the disco offered to ride home.
Neither Vika nor her girlfriend Lena did not have a trick and agreed to sit in the car to a new acquaintance. Well, then everything happened, as in the criminal militant. They were brought to the outskirts of the city, raped. And when girls tried to resist, began to call for help, they were severely beaten, after which they threw it on the road. Frightened, destroyed, they were in complete despair and confusion.
Both did not know how to do: can call the police? But then the girlfriend judged that the city is small, they will quickly recognize about rape, rumors crawled, gossip... And girls accepted «Wise» SOLUTION - Return home and nothing to talk to anyone.
Vika worried happening very hard: for more than a month I was afraid to leave the house. Of course, no question of any exams in the institute could not be anyone: now the rapist has been made in every conversational man. I really wanted to share my misfortune with someone, but it was scary that it would be coordinated. She knew the reaction in advance. Surely they would swift her: « Why went to the disco, instead of preparing for exams? Why agreed to sit in the car to unfamiliar guys?».
Gradually bruises and abrasions healed, unwanted pregnancy managed to avoid venereal diseases either. It would seem that this story can be forgotten as a terrible dream. Soon Vika met Igor. Polite, the warning young man did not remind the scum, which she met on the disco, and the maiden heart fled.
Of course, she did not admitted the fiance that she was raped. Hoped he would not know anything. Very soon they played a wedding, but in the first marriage night the girl embraced such horror that she scored in the corner of the room. The husband could not understand why the wife behaves so strange. And Vika did not decide to tell him about why men are afraid...
Unfortunately, this is a fairly typical situation: girls who survived violence, blame themselves and shy to tell someone about what happened. They do not seek help, worry alone, hoping that time is the best doctor. But such psychological trauma cannot pass without a trace, - continues Leonid Yunda. - And if it does not go through the course of psychological rehabilitation on time, the pain and resentment can go to the subconscious and begin to manage their last life, relationships with men.
The consequences may be the most unexpected. Someone develops a complex of inferiority, others blame themselves in all mortal sins. Some are trying to drain the pain alcohol. Many hurry to get married quickly, hoping to get rid of heavy memories. But problems appear in marriage. That is what happened with Vika. After rape, she had a basic confidence in the world, neurosis developed, and as a result of it - the fear of intimate proximity.
Young people turned out to be one on one with their problems, confess to someone was ashamed. They tried to be treated with different methods: they watched erotic magazines, movies, went to the fortune tellers and the sign. Those filmed from a young wife «damage» and «Crown of celibacy», gave drinking some herbs from the evil eye, made magical rites - nothing helped, fear did not pass. Igor and Vika went to the local family consultation. But a sexopathologist and a gynecologist, inspected a couple, only the hands were divorced: both are all right! Spouses are healthy, full of strength, so that any physical incompatibility is coming.
Unfortunately, in a small town there was no competent psychologist who could determine that the cause of disharmony - in severe peaceful injury, experienced by the girl. The absence of mutual understanding made their joint life with a bladder and painful. And only a year later «virgin» Marriage, they finally crossed the threshold of the Kiev Center for Psychotherapy...
Doctors put in front of the girl only one condition: to figure out the causes of fear, it should not hide anything. It was then that Vika first frankly told about rape. Even a year later, the memories were so heavy that she was more crying than he said. And it became the first step to cure. Then she had a frank conversation with loved ones. After all, a young husband, and parents all this time worried about her and deserved to know the truth. Vika was very afraid that they would condemn her for frivolity. But the closest supported, convinced that there was no guilt in what had happened. Seeing that no one condemns her, he does not blame, the girl felt relief.
Now she had a long course of psychological rehabilitation. Doctors from experience know that treatment is much more successful if both spouses are held, so they suggested Igor to stay in the hospital with his wife. His agreement was not particularly expected. As the same experience shows, often partners do not want to spend time. But in this case, a young man preferred to postpone all the work - and work, and study at the correspondence department of the institute to be near the beloved.
Not everyone understood the motives of the behavior of a young man, ready to wait and tolerate such an unusual situation, - continues Leonid Yunda. - Native and acquaintances, heard about their problems, then and the matter poured oil into the fire: they say, why do you need such a wife if you can find a healthy? But Igor and Vika really loved each other and were ready for everything to create a full-fledged family. After all, the relationship between people is based not only on sex. There is still spiritual proximity, mutual understanding, respect, compassion. The fact that Igor did not leave his wife, but supported her in a difficult life for her, testifies to the masculination of this guy, the maturity of his feelings. This is exactly what Victoria helps recovery.
Feeling support for loved ones, Vika gramnogo began to get rid of depression, fear and distrust. Holotropic breathing sessions, autotraining, psychologist classes. But most importantly - all the time there was her husband. He gave Vika flowers, supported the word and participation. His knightly behavior in such a delicate situation gradually won his wife. Little little, with the help of doctors, Igor and Vika built their relationships, studied to find a common language. And ice melted. By the end of the rehabilitation course, young people managed to start a full-fledged marital life.
It is curious that such a case is not the only only. Not so long ago, another married couple lived in the hospital, which lived in «virgin marriage» More than a year. The reason was the similar psychological trauma, experienced by the young wife. Shortly before the marriage, she underwent violence and also ashamed to admit to this. As a result, severe neurosis developed, which made sex intracable. After the rehabilitation course, the spouses were able to establish relationships, soon they had a daughter born.
And yet, according to experts, the situation in these families would not be aggravated to such an extent if the victims of violence were asked for psychological help. A serious problem is that a significant part of people who survived such a tragedy, in every way hide similar facts to their biography. It is especially alarming what girls are shy to talk about violence of even their own mother! This indicates a serious moral disadvantage in families, the absence of mutual understanding, human heat.
Mother should always be attentive to her daughter. And if the behavior of the girl suddenly changed - she was suppressed, unhappy, he experiences incomprehensible fear or anxiety, - it is necessary to talk to her souls. Convince her that she can open you all your experiences and in any case you will be on her side.
Having learned that the fact of violence occurred, do not fall into a panic and do not demonstrate your fear - it will only aggravate the situation. You must give a girl the opportunity to speak out, tell us about everything that she worries her and worries. Be sure to tell you believe it and make everything so that such a situation never happened again.
It is very important that she felt emotional support from loved ones. And then seek help from specialists. Today there are enough therapeutic agents to minimize the difficult consequences. It is important not to let the situation on samonek. Otherwise, violence can be aware of remote consequences.